A Wee Story

Something embarrassing happened to me recently.

In Scotland, it’s not unusual for someone to tell you a wee story.

wee adj.

[Scots] Very small; tiny

That is not what this is.

So I was travelling on a train on New Years Day, from London to Edinburgh. It’s almost a five hour journey and I knew I’d be hungover (which indeed I was), so I’d booked a first class ticket. Ordinarily that’d be crazy talk but on this occasion first class was only £8 more expensive than standard, which is well worth it considering the endless supply of tea, cold drinks, snacks and sandwiches that are then thrust upon you during your journey. Not to mention the free Wi-Fi and general feeling of sophistication as you lounge on your extra comfy seat.

The East Coast train line has those big toilets with the automated sliding doors. They’re disabled-friendly. They look über modern. They have big flashing buttons to open and close the doors. And to lock the doors.

To lock the doors, Deborah.

debbiedoesdoodles Toilet Door buttons

So there I was, mid-flow, when an unsuspecting fellow passenger hit ‘Open’. And then the door gently slid open. It seemed as though it was in slow motion, but in reality the door just opened that slowly. Reeeeeaaaallly slowly. The equally embarrassed man tried to close the still-opening door, but these doors are ingeniously designed so that you can’t close them until they’re all the way open. So there I sat, as the door slid open. I made a horrendously awkward joke about my worst nightmare coming true because WHAT DO YOU SAY in this situation?! And there I sat still as the door slid all the way closed again. Then I hurriedly hit ‘LOCK’ and cursed myself, possibly aloud, for thinking I had done so already.

greetin’ match n.

[Scots, slang] A sorrowful incident; a bout of tears; an upset

On the plus side: the middle aged stranger saw the funny side; he turned his back rather than standing there watching me pee for thirty seconds; first class was dead quiet meaning that there was no queue of people to gawk at me; a seated lady is possibly more easily made modest; it was nearing the end of my journey; I’m definitely not the first to do it; and finally the tale has apparently been enjoyed by many of my Facebook friends! Hopefully some of you now too.

So, let this be a lesson to us all… Just because the LOCK button flashes… you still have to press it!

If in doubt, whistle loudly.

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4 comments
  1. oh dear… I was on an east coast train a few months ago, it was really busy and I ended up having to stand, boo, anyway, I ended up positioning myself next to the toilet and spent the whole of my journey playing toilet monitor and jumping in front of people as they tried to open the spaceship style door on unsuspecting pee’ers. I only forgot to do it once, and it was quite funny.x

    • Haha sounds eventful! But how annoying is it when the train is jam packed full of people standing shoulder to shoulder and you look at all that empty space in those giant toilets, thinking how many seats you could fit in there… wait, that sounds weird. Erm, smaller toilets, more seats, is what I’m trying to say I think! Or at least on some carriages!

  2. Maybe they could upgrade the toilets have have those stand up boy and girl ones, that would save a bit of space. They used to have them in the middle of Manchester next to the bus terminal, I’m not sure how popular they were though, the idea of awkwardly squatting over a small plastic hole with your head sticking out the top of the cubicle watching all the thousands of shoppers wondering past doesn’t really sound that appealing. On seconds thoughts I’ll go with you, smaller toilets, more seats.

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